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MY HAPPIEST FOUR MONTHS 
when you care for someone with all your you
have cared about them for who they really were and not for who you wanted them to
be..." it was ironic when i saw this quote on the internet because just a couple of
days prior, something happened that made me understand who i really am. it all started on august
14, 1999, one perverted thing led to another... "it's my friend, steve"
as i recalled my friend telling me as two stranger were brought together. from then on,
steve and i became closer as we both talked openly about anything that came to mind. A
picnic in the park gave us an opportunity to meet each other in person. he was
as SWEET and CHARMING as he was online. but this was not the only reasons why i was attracted
to him. a month passed and school started for me while he waited for his fall semester to
start at UCSD. it was SWEET and THOUGHTFUL of him to spend his last day of vacation with
me when i brought him to my school dance (september 24, 1999). all i
could remember that day was a brown bear sitting in his car and a kiss on my forehead. how
could i be this LUCKY to meet a guy like him? the month of october breezed
by as my feelings for steve grew more everyday.
a night i have been waiting for this whole
time - Winter Formal (November 19,1999) all that mattered to me that
night was that i was going to be with someone i really cared about. a couple of months of
getting to know him, steve was not a person i expected. he was different from any guy i
knew, and believe it or not, that is why i was very attracted to him. Thanksgiving
break gave me the chance to prove the reasons why i felt the way i did. it wasn't
because we held hands while watching the movie or because he fell asleep on the couch, it
was the fact that we could be sitting together and being there with him was a day well
spent. his companionship was what i enjoyed most in our
relationship.
christmas came along and our relationship started to drift. "sometimes
when people talk and get to know more about each other... one person gets annoyed." i
didn't know what his twin brother meant at the time but i understood it after his visit
with me and a LONG christmas break. sometimes i feel if i took our relationship for
granted with my jealousy and selfishness. he would've looked at me BEYOND all this
IF he wanted our relationship to work out. YES i know that i usually talked about
what i like in a guy... this and that. this was not because i wanted to change steve or
wanted something more from him, it was because i was scared of losing him. i was scared of
having him as much as i was scared of losing him. i was blinded by the other
"typical" guys that surrounded me and the thought of having him in my life - how
can i deserve him? i cared about him for who he really was - the way he made me
laugh and smile, his openness and his great companionship. i still don't know if he
realizes that...
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that night (january 11, 2000) he
was telling me- "i just realized that i am really happy being single... when vacation
comes, i am different... my feelings for you slowly left... i think we should just stay
friends," i was left SPEECHLESS! Days after that, i didn't know what to do with
myself. should i stay mad at this guy who just confessed his TRUE feelings for me and
leave things the way they are? an explanation was all i wanted. to
tell you the truth, i felt RELIEVED after a long conversation i had with steve on the
phone. when i hung up the phone that night we talked, there
was a sense of closure for me... but we'll remain friends and i will care for him always.
if he needs someone to talk to, he knows that i will be there for him.. he has given me
the best four months of my life, and i would always be grateful to him because of it. a
promise that we made to each other, but i don't know if he still remembers, "we'll
never lose each other..." some day when our paths will cross again, we can start
again from where we left off or begin a stronger and closer relationship with one
another. i can never forget the good and bad times we shared... and all the
things i have learned and gained in my relationship with steve. i can never be the same
again... . |